Have you seen the old Superman movie with Christopher Reeve? Maybe not if you’re not over 40. There’s a part in one of the movies where superman is separated into two beings the “good” part and the “evil” part. The two fight it out where ultimately good triumphs over evil exterminating the evil one completely.
Do you ever feel that there is a “bad”, “evil” or “shameful” part with in you that is controlling your life that you would either like to exterminate or have control over?
What if these parts of ourselves that we have labeled as bad, evil or shameful really had positive intentions for us? They try to control your life so that it is predictable and manageable, they try to protect you and ensures your survival. Perhaps these parts haven’t been doing such great job and they haven’t been producing the results you would like in a healthy way.
So what have you done with these less than desirable parts or personalities/personas in your life? Have you tried to ignore them? Shut them up by locking them away in a closet? Attempt to only focus on “positive” thinking? What if these parts were merely screaming to be heard? What if they were trying to get your attention and tell you that they are just trying to meet an unmet need? What if they’re really not all that scary and you’re not so shameful or “bad”. Your parts do not define who you are. Once you listen, like an out of control child throwing a temper tantrum, the energy is diffused and they calm down. How well does it go when you try to convince the child instead that you are in charge and they must listen to you and do as they are told? They will only try to scream and take control of your life as long as you are unwilling to listen.
So how about taking a deep breath and open the door to one of those closets and say to that part inside of you, “I am here. I see you. I am willing to listen to what you have to say. I do not judge you. I love you. I want to understand you. What is the message? How can I serve you? What is it that you need?”
I’ve been reading the book, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford. She brings light to the ugly dark side of ourselves. At the end of the 3rd chapter I did the exercise outlined in the book.
This is my story of opening one of those closet doors.
There’s a persona inside of me that wishes not to be seen. She is the archetype of the prostitute. When I say prostitute, I am not referring solely to being sexually compromising but rather the consciousness of the prostitute as a whole. She is of the mind that sells her birthright for a pot of pottage. The analogy comes from the Bible where Esau sold Jacob his birthright for pottage of lentils with bread.
I had a look at the prostitute within me. Now I have never had sex outside of my marriage so what I came to see was through the lens of her which has nothing to do with reality.
The prostitute is kept locked away in a dumpster like discarded dirty trash where no one can see of her filth. She is disgusting, a shameful disgrace. She’s been ignored, pushed away as though she doesn’t exist. Yet there she lies – naked in a heap of trash of people’s waste, rotten food, rodents and insects. It smells, she stinks. She is repulsive. She’s been thrown away by men who have used her up, stole her virtue and stole her light. Her body is emaciated, her skin is pale and lusterless. She can feel and smell the semen that runs down her legs. She doesn’t even care to wipe it off. She is cold. Even her hair has been cut and robbed from her.
She’s been mauled, molested and mocked. Her body is hardly desirable but it is easy. Her breasts are empty bags of skin that have fed her children for over 9 years but the men do not see that. They do not see her at all. She is an object of their desires. She is not even a person to them. She no longer pretends to have affection for them so they will be gentler with her. She no longer gives them the satisfaction of the illusion that they are receiving any kind of approval. She is their cocaine fix until they need their next high. Each time a piece of her life energy is sucked away. She sells herself for nuggets of attention. They need her, yet despise her. They throw her out but keep her close by.
She is void of feeling. She is numb. She is too tired to feel, too tired to say no when no one listens, too tired to walk away, too tired to fight, too tired to hear the shaming for not complying. No one sees her. No one will come to her rescue. She is alone.
She is hungry but has made herself content with eating the garbage there. She is too tired to get up and find herself food. She is too embarrassed to be seen in public. She’d rather lie there and cease to exist. She doesn’t want to pretend she’s strong anymore. She doesn’t want to pretend she’s happy and has it all together. She doesn’t want to pretend she can do it all on her own anymore. She doesn’t know how to live any other way than the way she’s known since her youth.
There’s another persona inside of her that’s been hidden and locked away as well. She is savvy, sassy, and spunky. Her sexuality is her power, her source of creativity. She radiates the divine feminine power. It is her vitality – her Shakti. She can wield, create and manifest with this powerful source of energy and only desires to bless the world with it. She is a powerful influence for good. She is an inspiration to others. She is highly respected as her self dignity commands it. She is secure in who she is. She is grounded in her self-worth. No one dares to defile her. The men in her life bend over backwards for her just to receive a smile or word of approval. They are happy to support her and assist her. They are willing to labor in the fields with her for the fruits of the harvest are nourishing and fulfilling.
She wears a black dress that reaches her ankles. It is form fitting up top and free flowing below the waistline. The bottom half of the dress has beautiful embroidered flowers of vibrant colors. She wears a short opened front teal sweater over her shoulders. Her hair is red and wild like Meredith from the movie “Brave”. Her body moves with ease and confidence as she speaks with eloquence and passion. Her countenance is lustrous and radiant. You can almost see streamers of beautiful pastel colors of energy moving in and through and out her body like an angel using them to create miracles in the world and in people’s lives.
Yet this savvy, sassy and spunky persona – this vibrant Shatki stays hidden for she was shamed very young for being too much energy, talking too much and was taught what to think and do as she was told.
Miss Vibrant went to visit prostitute. The two of them resented each other yet they were unwilling to admit they needed each other. Vibrant resented prostitute as being beneath her and not worth her time. She had things to do, places to go, creations to create and she was slowing and dragging her down. She was restless with many things to do and so little time. She wanted to lock her up and throw her away and be done with her. She saw her as shameful and embarrassing. She wanted nothing to do with her.
Prostitute looked at her with loathing. “Who does she think she is anyway? She thinks she’s so special with her head all high and mighty in the sky like she knows everything. She acts like she’s the most important person in the world and totally self-absorbed and selfish. All she cares about is herself. Look at her, how she uses people to do things for her.” She sees her as the bitch that men despise, the nag, the control freak, the master manipulator. The selfish woman who has no concern for people like her. She should be serving not leading. Men are leaders not women, she is totally usurping men’s authority. She should mind her place and work hard to survive like herself. It’s not fair she gets all the breaks in life.
Miss Vibrant approached prostitute in the dumpster. Prostitute wanted nothing to do with her. She didn’t want to be touched but yet wanted to be free of there. Vibrant took her to some warm tropical pool of water beneath a gentle magical healing waterfall. Prostitute felt a profound sense of relief. She didn’t want vibrant to be near her but allowed her to take watch over her as she knew she would dismember any man that would attempt to come near her. This made her feel safe and secure. She sat and bathed beneath the warm nourishing waterfall. As the water washed down her head and body she felt a wash of sadness come over her. She wanted to cry, she’d been trying to be strong for so long but didn’t even have the energy left to cry. So she knelt beneath the water that washed over her beginning to feel some of the sadness that she hadn’t been willing to feel for a long time and there she stayed.
Vibrant wanted to go over there and help her through the process more quickly but prostitute didn’t want her close nor her help. Prostitute wanted desperately to feel the warmth and tenderness of her love but didn’t trust that she didn’t have some sort of hidden personal agenda so vibrant sat on a rock and laid watch becoming impatient. Vibrant twirled her thumbs wondering how long this was going to last. She had things to do, places to go, creations to create, money to be made to pay the bills, her children to tend to, gardens to care for, a divorce to work through. Yet prostitute is so tired she feels like she really just wants to stay there where she is nourished and safe and take a very long nap. For now, they lay wait. For now, it is OK.
As time passed the persona called Prostitute continued to enjoy her rest and her nourishing shower while she felt safe to release some of her sadness. From time to time she would observe the persona called Miss Vibrant on the rock as she took watch over her. Why is she doing this for me, she wondered. Doesn’t she have better things to do than waste her time on a lowly person as such as I, she thought. She wondered why she loathed her so much. Where did that come from? She saw her mother in her. She saw her father in her. She saw every person that ever tried to control her or tell her what to think or what to do or how to be. She didn’t trust Vibrant to have her best interest at heart. She believed there must be some kind of personal agenda – that she must need her for her own selfish interests. Yet she hadn’t told her what to do, she respected her space, she guarded her and protected her staying by her side. She brought her to these healing waters. She brought her nourishing, live fruits and vegetables that her physical body was craving.
She was jealous of her. Deep down she admired her; wanted to be like her but dared not admit it. She wondered what made her so special, why Miss Vibrant got to be born with all these desirable qualities and she didn’t. It wasn’t fair she got to have all these fabulous experiences in life while she lived her life in the filth of the dumpster. Prostitute started to think that perhaps the universe was out to conspire against her. Maybe she was being punished for not being enough, for not being better at giving these men what they needed. She ran this loop through her mind continually that if she had only been kinder to these men, offered more of what they were looking for, gave them more of the love and approval they were yearning for then maybe she would start being treated with respect and greater kindness. Maybe if she were just a better prostitute and gave them a better show or better service. Maybe if she had stroked their egos better by telling them how wonderful they were, making them happy. Maybe if …… she could then finally prove her value by being enough she would no longer be punished and then finally find the love and approval she was craving.
Or maybe there is something broken inside of her. She started to think that maybe something is wrong with her that maybe something is malfunctioning inside of her. Maybe if she could figure out what that something is she could fix it. Maybe if she could just find the right tool or the right technique to correct the error…. There must be something out there that can fix this defective part of her and then she’d be all better again.
Prostitute continued to take in the restoring nature of the waterfall. The falls had always been here. Why was she not aware of them before? She never would have thought herself worthy of such a special treat. It was too luxurious for someone like her. She looked up at Miss Vibrant again. She didn’t seem to be such a horrible person anymore. She still didn’t understand why should would take the time to be with someone like her.
She admired her and then remembered that she was apart of herself. She was the part within her that she had disowned and sent away. She had lost connection with her. Then like a stroke of lightening she became aware that there was nothing broken or defective inside of her that needed fixing or correcting. That pain inside of her was the empty longing for a missing part of herself and there she was looking up at her admiringly. All along, she had everything she ever needed. All along she was whole and complete but chose to separate herself from herself and from the healing waters of Divine love – her connection to the Source of life – with God.
This new awareness became very unsettling to her. She began to feel another wave of sadness come over her. If this were true – that she was indeed whole and complete and worthy of love than her living in the dumpster was largely one of choice. She would have to admit that she chose to be the victim. That she had bought into a lie. She chose to sell her birthright for a pot of pottage buying into the enticings of the bearer that it would suffice her longing for love and peace. She chose to punish herself for imagined insufficiencies. She was the one who denied herself the nourishing waters. How many years had she given up on her life? How many years wasted? She felt so much grief and disappointment come over her. No wonder Vibrant despised her. Prostitute had betrayed her and chose to disgrace her own part of herself. This disappointment welled up inside bursting out like a volatile geyser.
Her tears flooded down her face mixing in with the water that ran down her head. She saw the darkness the tears added to the pool of water running down stream as she began to feel some of the darkness and sorrow leave her body.
Miss Vibrant began to have compassion for her weakness. She had judged her harshly for being so weak. She saw this as cowardice and shameful. She was angry at her for giving up so easily for not putting up a fight, for hiding and avoiding. She noticed how prostitute put so much energy into rationalizing and stuffing away her anger and resentment instead of doing something about it. She noticed how her “no” was weak, how it had no bones or action or conviction behind it. It’s like she was asking to be mistreated so she could wallow in her own self-pity and beat her self up. then she would go look for approval from outside sources. So much wasted and misdirected energy, it’s now wonder she is so tired. In actuality, she had tremendous strength, she had just turned it against herself.
What do I do with her now?, she wondered. Should she leave her? She doesn’t seem to want her help. She turned towards her and spoke to her. Softly she just said, “I’m sorry”. She paused. Then she said, “I see you’ve been in pain a very long time. I see the wear on your body and spirit …. I hear your cries of sorrow, your self-judgment and disappointment … I feel your grief …. Please forgive me.” She waited. Prostitute looked up at her but said nothing. Vibrant put her feet in the pool of water and very slowly began to approach her. Prostitute walked out from under the falls running towards Vibrant where the two embraced each other lovingly. Neither saying a word they shed tears of great joy. Prostitute basked in the warmth of the her love feeling safe and protected like she could finally take a deep breath and let go. She could finally let go of needing to defend herself. She was relieved and at peace. She had come home to the missing part of herself once long gone. She could now finally put the bags (the heavy emotions) down she’d been carrying around and rest. She felt light and free.
Vibrant placed her hands on prostitutes cheeks and kissed her on the forehead. I love you, she said. “I will always be here for you no matter what, I will never leave you, …. I will protect you, … You are precious, … You are sacred, … there is nothing those men can give you that you don’t already have, … I have gift for you.” She handed her a sparkly crystal and held it in her hands. “This is for you whenever you need me, to remember who we are together.” They held hands and the two merged into one again with the crystal binding their two hearts together. Together they walked out of the pool, her dress half wet. The warmth of the sun quickly dried it out.
This new woman walked back over to the dumpster where she had once lived. She took a fire bomb and exuberantly threw it into the dumpster lighting its contents on fire. She watched the contents turn into flames incinerating all the pain, the sorrow, releasing them into expansiveness into the open sky. It is done. It is free. She then took cans of spray paint of vibrant colors and like a little girl coloring, she painted pictures of butterflies, hearts, and white doves. She was very delightful and giggling as she painted. She then painted the words: LOVE, PEACE, JOY, POWER, FREEDOM on the sides of the dumpster. She then threw the cans in the dumpster hearing them rattle in the emptiness inside. Exhilarated she walked away taller, happier and more confident.
